The Neothink Society · Love and Relationships · May 2009
Accepting Someone to Love
A person can only accept in another what they have already accepted in themselves. Self-acceptance is not a sentiment. It is the structural foundation of every love that lasts. The members of the Neothink Society treat it as the first work of any relationship, because the mind that has made peace with its own nature stops demanding that peace from someone else.
Love begins with the self because the self is what a person brings to another. Acceptance of who a person is, and has always been, is what makes it possible to accept and love another for who they are. Two people who each provide for their own emotional, physical, and mental needs meet as equals who exchange value. Each arrives whole. There is no reason to look to another for what a person can supply for themselves.
Arrive Whole
Two people who each provide for their own needs exchange value as equals instead of demanding it from one another.
This is where the depth comes from. When each person already stands on their own ground, what they share is surplus, freely given and freely received. Value flows in both directions, and the pleasure of it doubles. Both experience the happiness that comes from producing real value for self and for another.
A person can only accept and love another to the degree that they have already accepted themselves.
Self-acceptance is also the most honest mirror a person owns. A life lived on others' expectations leaves its mark; so does a life that follows its own creative drive. The Neothink mind recovers the second kind. It restores the freedom a child has by instinct, the joy that comes from doing something for oneself and standing behind it. That freedom is not granted by anyone. It is reclaimed by the person who decides to live as the author of their own movements rather than the executor of everyone else's.
Reclaim the Author
The freedom to love fully returns when a person lives as the author of their own movements rather than the executor of everyone else's.
Self-belief is recovered by recalling a time when life ran on one's own terms rather than borrowed expectations, and by recognizing one's actual capability without apology. Acceptance of another begins with acceptance of self.
Common Questions
What is self-acceptance in the context of love? Self-acceptance is the act of accepting who a person is, and has always been, without apology. In a relationship it functions as the structural foundation, because a mind that has made peace with its own nature no longer demands that peace from a partner.
How is self-acceptance different from self-confidence or self-esteem? Self-confidence and self-esteem describe how a person rates their abilities or worth. Self-acceptance is the prior settlement with one's own nature that makes those ratings honest. It is the ground the other two stand on, not a measure of performance.
Why must self-acceptance come before loving another person? Because the self is what a person brings to another. A person can only accept in another what they have already accepted in themselves, so accepting another for who they are depends first on accepting oneself.
How do two people exchange value in a relationship? Two people who each provide for their own emotional, physical, and mental needs meet as equals. What they share is surplus rather than supply, freely given and freely received, so value flows in both directions and the pleasure of it doubles.
Why does providing for your own needs make love stronger rather than weaker? When each person already stands on their own ground, shared value becomes an exchange instead of a demand. Neither partner looks to the other for what they can supply themselves, which removes dependency and lets both draw real happiness from producing value for self and for another.
What does creative freedom have to do with accepting someone to love? Recovering the freedom to follow one's own creative drive restores the joy of doing something for oneself and standing behind it. A person who lives as the author of their own movements arrives whole, which is the precondition for accepting and loving another.
Further Reading
- Self-acceptance - why making peace with one's own nature is the first work of any relationship.
- Value exchange - how two whole people trade surplus as equals instead of demanding supply.
- Self-love - the honest regard for one's own life that loving another draws from.
- Emotional self-sufficiency - providing for one's own needs so a relationship stays an exchange, not a dependency.
- Creative freedom - reclaiming the freedom to author one's own movements and stand behind them.
Membership is by application.